lu: (Sad)
It's been... nearly six months since I have last updated this journal. And to think that I promised myself I would actually try to keep posting as regularly as possible. But you know what happens. Things start to happen in your life, and then, when you see it, so many things have happened that you feel lazy to just explain it to your dear readers (not that I have a whole lot of readers left after this hiatus).

I just feel like I've been compromising to do so many things that I just can't honour all of those commitments. It's not that I don't have the time; I just don't have the energy.

So I promised myself that these vacations I was not going to screw around and do nothing, but that I would study and read things I needed (and still need) to read for college, since I am now in two research groups, and they demand some of my time.

Today I sat down, and decided I was going to throw myself head long into the case I'm supposed to study and yet... And yet I ended up on my Live Journal looking for a copy of the Chart to send to a friend of mine. Oh, and all of that while trying to download the first episode of the fifth season of The L Word on a really slow internet connection.

Did I mention I'm at a vacation resort at Bahia?

Oh, yeah. My whole family is here and I've been acting straight for such a long time now that I am this close to freaking out. Actually, I have not been myself to a point in which whenever I engage on a conversation with my father or my stepmother I just blurt out comments about the lesbian world. I know my dad accepts gay people and all, but how desperate need a person be in order to do that?

I just... feel like I'm in the closet all over again, and that feeling creeps me out. I had made the decision to actually come out to my overly Catholic grandmother and my father's side of the family, but after three weeks with them I have decided I am not that bold. Also, I don't feel like the moment is right, since I really don't wish to spoil the trip or give my grandmother an opportunity to ask me stupid questions and annoy me to an even greater extent than she's managed to annoy me during the past weeks with her homophobic comments regarding other people.

The decision has, therefore, been indefinitely postponed, even though I hate the feeling that everyone knows I'm gay, and is being careful around me not mention a subject that could bring it up. But they all clearly already know, since nobody has mentioned marriage, kids or boys to me since I went to the countryside on December 19th. It is either a world record that they are taking such a long time to taunt me with inquiries regarding boyfriends, or the subject has become more tender than my family can swallow. Obviously, I would go for the second option.

On other news, I broke up with my ex-girlfriend for the second time, something I had never done before (this sounded like a paradox. I meant to say, I never broke up with anyone in my life "for the second time"). It was a weird experience, but a relieving one — not an offense to Chris, since I know that she has felt the same relief. As good lesbians that we (or I) are, we're still friends, and are doing ok.

Speaking of the girls in my life, my best friend is traveling on Friday, and I unfortunately won't see her until my birthday. I already haven't seen her in ages, so I'll have to figure out how to live without her hugs for a little while longer. We also decided to record a podcast about The L Word, which was pretty fun to do, and that we should keep recording for the next months as season five develops.

Speaking of season five, I'm now off to finish the first episode, and then, hopefully, get some work done.

Post scriptum: some people have added me during the hiatus, and I have no idea who some of them are, so please, if you're still around, identify yourself!

Dinner and a movie (version 2.0).

  • Apr. 13th, 2007 at 10:23 PM
lu: (Sex)

So this time there was a girl involved.
lu: (Déja-vu)
There is absolutely no need to read this. I meant to write a small post, but I ended up blurting out things that I've been thinking about for a long time, regarding myself, stereotypes, the gay community, and, well, myself.

Sometimes I forget writing is a good way to organise your thoughts. )

On a side note, I've quit smoking. It's been five days, no cigarettes. I'm not sure why I did it, but it had been bothering me for a while, and I'll try to make it happen.

The L WorLd: outing a Brazilian girl.

  • Nov. 18th, 2006 at 2:28 PM
lu: (Kiss)
I have recently -- and you are probably going to laugh after reading this -- admitted to myself that I am a lesbian. Before, I used to say I was bisexual, or even a five in the Kinsey Scale. One way or the other, I never thought of myself as "gay". I guess the term was a bit too strong for me, and I couldn't really deal with the notion.

Fact is, I prefer girls a thousand times over boys, and there are very few boys indeed to whom I feel attracted. Yet, I think it was only after I've started watching The L Word that I really began to identify myself as a lesbian -- despite the fact that my friends had been doing so for a long time.

During the second half of 2006, I have started taking greatest interest in the subject than I had in the past: I've looked for movies, series, sites, LJ communities, and bought an amazing book -- Reading The L Word: Outing Contemporary Television -- in which various lesbian writers and columnists discuss the issue of representation, heteronormativity, sex and general behaviour of the characters in the said TV show.

The reason I've decided to make this post in the first place was to give you, my dear readers, some recent news on the lesbian world, and also some tips of what to watch.

New York Herald Tribune! New York Herald Tribune! )

The more I read, research and watch, the more I know that I don't really know much about this so-called "L World", and the more I want to read, research and watch. Looks like I've found another subject to obsess about and I'd say it might actually stick for a while. After all, this is not a brilliant series, or an amazing book; this is linked to my very own identity as an individual.

You like bowling, don't you, Montag?

If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. If the government is inefficient, topheavy, and tax-mad, better it be all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag. Give the people contests they win by remembering the words to more popular songs or the names of state capitals or how much corn Iowa grew last year. Cram them full of noncombustible data, chock them so damned full of 'facts' they feel stuffed, but absolutely 'brilliant' with information. Then they'll feel like they're thinking, they'll get a sense of motion without moving. And they'll be happy, because facts of that sort don't change. Don't give them any slippery stuff like philosophy or sociology to tie things up with. That way lies melancholy.

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